I Wouldn't Even Know What to Title This
by Zombie Reine
Summary: This is a late April Fools Challenge submission for the GCTC forum. Don't read if easily offended. - Harry saves Voldemort's soul and the two fall in love, but what happens when Voldemort wants a child and Harry calls in Hermione to be their surrogate mother?
1. Prologue

**AN: Written for the Gutter City Tomione Convention April Fools Challenge. It will be posted in three parts. A brief backstory/prologue, the main story itself and an epilogue to tie things together. If you love forbidden romances that tear at your heartstrings look no further. M for language and sexual references.**

I know I'm really late in posting this but I've been busy - and lazy - but mostly busy! 

**Prologue **

It all started with the death of Albus freaking Dumbledore. You see, when Albus was young(er) and still only the Deputy Headmaster at Hogwarts, he saw a deliciously foxy young wizard named Tom Marvolo Riddle.

Now, Tom was an upstanding and rule-abiding student, top of all his classes and so beautiful that he was practically a legend among the halls of Hogwarts by the age of sixteen.

This all drew the unwanted, vile attention of Albus to him like a Malfoy to apples. However, when Dumbledore made his advances on young Tom he was shot down faster than you could say 'revenge'. Which is exactly what Dumbledore vowed he would get.

He put a curse on Tom Riddle, hiding all his goodness withing six objects and (quite accidentally) one baby boy. The wizard manipulated and lied, creating the monster that would be known as Lord Voldemort.

And then, one day, that baby boy grew up to be more than just a puppet, he unknowingly became the savior of the wizarding world by restoring Voldemort's ability to love with each Horcrux he destroyed. Dumbledore's secrets were finally found out and he was defeated, allowing Harry and Voldemort to each have the one thing they now desired, love.

And love they did.


	2. The Story Itself

**AN: **Eh. Shenanigans and sexual situations involving cooking utensils ahead.

* * *

"Voldemort, my darling." Harry leaned up to kiss the pale, slightly scaly cheek of his reptilian lover, "I've been thinking."

"Harry Potter, actually thinking? Someone alert the Daily Prophet because otherwise nobody will ever believe it. Voldemort sasses, returning the kiss on Harry's full, dark salmon colored lips. They tasted like popcorn and unfulfilled dreams.

Harry smiled and playfully slapped him on the chest, "Oh, shut up."

In return his beloved sweetly kissed him again, basking in the feel of warm, soft lips on his own mouth, until finally curiosity won out, "What have you been thinking about, dearest?"

"I want to have a baby." Harry confessed, looking earnestly into the red eyes of his lover, "I want to have your baby."

Almost instantly a bright smile lit up Voldemort's face, he was practically glowing with love and happiness, "Oh, Harry." A single tear fell from his ruby orbs, "I want nothing more than to have children with you, too."

Still, a silent 'but' hung in the air between the two causing Harry to frown with worry, did Voldemort, his Tomtom, not really want to have children with him? To have baby snake children with poor eyesight running around their home? He turned away, feeling the slight beginnings of cracks forming in his heart.

As if Voldemort could read his thoughts he tenderly grasped Harry's chin with strong fingers and forces his shining emerald eyes to stare into his one crimson ones. "Harry Potter," His voice was soft, gentle, dripping in love and affection, "It's not that I don't want to have children with you, I meant everything I said. It's just that. . . Not even magic can give a wizard the ability to conceive and give birth to a child."

Instant relief washed over the bespeckled young man , "If that's all then we can solve this problem easily."

"Oh?" Voldy looked at his partner questioningly.

"We can knock up Hermione, I'm sure she wouldn't mind being our surrogate mother."

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"No, no, and no. Absolutely not, Harry James Potter. There is no way in Heaven or Hell that I would conceive a child with Lord Voldemort." Hermione Granger was glaring at her best friend, soon to be dead best friend, with chocolate eyes blazing in fury.

"Please, Hermione?" Harry set his puppy eyes to full power, "You know how I've always wanted a family, it would mean the world to me if it was you."

The puppy eyes and guilt tripping must have worked because Hermione's anger deflated faster than Ron Weasley's boner after seeing a naked McGonagall. "Harry. . . Okay., For you, but just this once."

"Thank you, Mione. You're the best." He hugged her to him tightly.

"Just never call me Mione again. Seriously, your worst nickname to date." She smiled at him, "Also, you're in luck because I just so happen to have a fertility potion on me, lying in wait for a rainy day."

"Wonderful!" Harry grinned back at her, "Because I just so happen to have brought Voldemort and a turkey baster."

"Yay." Hermione said with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever, "Well, let's get on with it, send loverboy in there when you're ready." Hermione pointed towards her bedroom before making her way inside it. She would need the mental preperation.

Meanwhile Harry summoned Voldemort and watched as he too disappeared into the room. They had already discussed it earlier and decided it would be less scarring for him and Hermione both if Voldemort was the one to impregnate Hermione.

So, left alone to his own devices while Voldy and Hermy injected sperm into her womb he decided to read the latest issue of Bride Magazine. His peace and solitude were soon to be interrupted however.

"_Don't put it in so far, that hurts." _A loud moan of pain followed his friends angry shout.

"_Silence, I have to put it in all the way for this to work." _

"_Well be more gentle, pushing it in and out so much isn't going to help." _

"_Well, I wouldn't have to if you would just keep still." _A grunt of pain, or maybe it was pleasure this time, sounded out from the closed off room.

Harry only glanced up briefly before shrugging and returning to his article on wedding dresses, he just assumed they were having issues with the turkey baster. Which they were.

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"I can't believe we just did that." Hermione looked at him in disgust as she began putting her discarded clothes back on, "You just _had_ to mess it up."

Voldemort on the other hand was staring at her in wonder and only just barely came to his own defense, "I was surprised, it;s not like I meant to unload it early."

"Well you did, and now not only did I have to. . . " She shuddered in complete disgust, "Have sex with you but now we have to go out there and lie to Harry. He can never find out about this."

"We don't have to hide it, Hermione." He bit his thin, almost non existent, bottom lip, "I think I'm falling in love with you. No, I have fallen for you. Run away with me, have _our_ child, not mine and Harry's."

She looked at him from head to toe, checking him out, before letting out a snort of laughter, "Sorry, hun, you're just not my type. I only slept with you to begin with for Harry."

Voldy couldn't believe he wasn't someone's type, he was like. . . An Egyptian sex god with his fabulous snake-like body and not to mention his unchallenged intelligence, "What's your type then?"

"Female." She gave him a pointed look before kicking him out, along with harry who kept thanking her the whole while she did it.

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"My love, what have you done?" Harry was staring at his lover in utter horror.

"I had a sex change." Voldemort struck a pose, showing off his recently acquired womanly physique in pride. It had taken powerful dark magic to accomplish it but it was all worth it. It was the only solution to his problem when he realized that Hermione hadn't rejected him but his gender, after that he knew he could fix it. That they were meant to be together.

"But why?" Harry's yes were watery with unshed tears, "Your penis was so beautiful, why would you do this to me? To us?" He was practically wailing in his sorrow by now.

"Hermione told me she was gay." He admitted, stating it as simply as if he were talking about the price of rice in China.

"You got a sex change because Hermione's a lesbian?" Harry asked, in disbelief, "Are you in love with her or something now? You're supposed to love _me_."

"Harry, I'm so sorry." Voldemort looked away, remorse filling his once tattered soul, "I realize now that I never romantically loved you, what I felt for you was gratitude for saving me. I still care about you, but I _love_ Hermione."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Harry cried out viciously, pain lacing his bitter words, "Get out, I hope I never see either of you again."

"I'm sorry." Voldemort whispered before leaving, not once looking back as he, well she now, entered the next chapter of her life as lady Voldemort.

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"You did what?" Hermione stared at the man-turned-woman standing in front of her.

"I went and had a sex change and broke up with Harry so we could be together." Ruby orbs stared at her tenderly from a pale face.

Hermione just stood there spluttering for a minute in shock before a sultry smile tickled at her lips, "I thought I was the only one fighting it."

"Fighting what?" The witch asked, her throat suddenly drying from the heat of Hermione's passionate gaze.

"The undeniable sexual attraction between us. I thought I was the only one feeling it, it was so hard denying my need to kiss your lipless mouth. I almost went straight for you in my longing." Hermione took a step closer to her, lust shining in her eyes which were like two orbs of shining passionate eyes.

"Oh, Hermione." tears of joy leaked from Voldemort's own eyes, "How the cockles of my beating heart have longed to hear those words."

Hermione placed a finger to Voldemort's mouth, "Shhhh. . . Don't talk. Just be with me. Here, now, and forever."

Voldy nodded her assent, happiness lighting up her pale face as the two new lovers fell into bed together.


	3. Epilogue

**AN:** And here we have it, the epilogue. I know it's just so beautiful and perfect, but please, try not to cry.

* * *

And thus our story ends with Hermione and Voldemort having hot, kinky sex - or does it?

If you are curious, or perhaps just bored, then I will now proceed to wrap up this tale of love, heartbreak, turkey basters and sexual exploits.

Hermione and Voldemort ran away together to join the muggle Russian circus where they secretly use magic to further their careers. Hermione later would give birth to their daughter, little Timozzy Riddle.

The three would become known as the 'Famous Flying Darksons', as they adopted Darkson as their stage name to remain mysterious, and slightly because Voldemort found a passion for muggle comic books. Either way, they eventually performed for mugle royalty all across Europe.

Harry managed to overcome the bitter betrayal of his lover and best friend by running into the arms of his current husband, Ronald Weasley.

The two are very happy together and expecting their third child who was currently being carried to term by Ron's younger sister and surrogate mother, Ginny Weasley.

While Ron is technically the biological father of all three children Harry loves them all as if they were his own, which they were legally.

Both couples are currently all friends and have tea together every Sunday.

But we're not done yet, there's still one more relationship to add to this tale.

The turkey baster was swept off his proverbial feet by Luna Lovegood and are very happy together, especially in the bedroom.

And thus with all loose ends neatly tied up, I bid you all farewell and a Happy April Fools.

_The End._


End file.
